Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer and Sam's "Peter" Moment

From Sam on Sunday, September 29th:

Hello Family,

Yesterday I got a call from my doctor with the results from my PET scan. Aside from my right breast and neighboring lymph nodes, it looks like there could possibly be cancer in my abdomen near my liver and in some of the bone in my lower back. I was scheduled to start chemotherapy on Friday, but because it looks like cancer may have spread to further parts of the body, I will need to do another biopsy first, thus postponing my chemotherapy treatment. My doctors need to confirm if what appears on the PET scan really is cancer. If the biopsy comes back as positive for cancer then I will have stage IV metastatic breast cancer. I will still do chemotherapy first, but some changes to my initial treatment plan will be made. Metastatic cancer is not “curable” and may never fully be eliminated from my body. The strategy then becomes how can we keep the cancer under control for as long as possible. 

Again, thank you for all the continued love and support. Some good news in all of this is that as of Friday night Diana will now let me feed her with a bottle. I am so grateful for that miracle and the peace of mind I have knowing that Diana will be able to be fed properly. Also, a huge thank you to the two women who have donated their breast milk for me to give to Diana. I can’t thank them enough for their kindness. 

Love,

Sam

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Thursday, October 3rd:

I took Sam to the University of Utah Hospital for her biopsy. I was allowed to stay in the room during the procedure and I was impressed with the team performing the biopsy. There were nine people in the room, not including Sam and me - two radiologists, two radiology technicians, a radiology intern, the nurse, and a three-person pathology team. One of the radiologists took two core samples of a 1/2-inch area of tissue near Sam's liver that they think might be cancerous. Sam had to stay awake during the procedure in order to hold breaths at the right time to move the liver away from the rib cage, thereby enabling the radiologist to see the potentially-cancerous area via the ultrasound without having the bone get in the way. She stuck two, very thin, six-inch needles into Sam's lower chest area to grab the samples.

The actual procedure lasted only 10 minutes, followed by a two-hour recovery period to ensure there was no internal bleeding before Sam was released from the hospital. Sam and I joked that many of our upcoming "dates" will take place in various hospital rooms on the one campus in the entire country that I, being the BYU fan that I am, do not care to visit.

Friday, October 4th:

Sam and the kids were supposed to fly out to visit me in Washington, D.C. today for a two-week vacation. Taylor and Kate (two of Sam's sisters) were going to accompany Sam. We purchased five Delta Airlines tickets and we had everything set to visit friends and enjoy all kinds of activities in the area. The east coast is gorgeous in the fall. The employees at the front desk at the hotel where I've been staying on and off for almost one year even told me that they would bump me up to the largest suite in the hotel (for free!) for the two weeks in order to make my guests more comfortable.

As John Lennon said in his song, Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy), "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

Silver lining: Delta Airlines, after receiving proof of Sam's condition, refunded all five plane tickets to our credit card. Perhaps I should call this one a "Bronze lining," because despite knowing about Sam's condition, Delta still chose to deduct the $200 change fee from each of the five tickets. Is that "customer service?"

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From Sam:

October 5, 2019 – My “Peter” Moment

Remember Peter walking on the water toward the Savior?  (Matthew 14:24-32)

24 But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.

25 And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.

26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

32 And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.

Last Saturday, September 28th, I got a call from my oncologist informing me that the PET scan I had the day before showed some concerning signs for metastatic breast cancer (stage IV), meaning the cancer has spread from the breast and neighboring lymph nodes to other parts of the body. The PET scan showed that a spot near my liver and a small spot near some bones in my lower back were possible places where the cancer has spread. When I initially received the news I was ok. Obviously, it was not what I was hoping to hear, but I wasn’t feeling weighed down by the news like I did when I first got my cancer diagnosis. However, after telling some family members that evening and the next day, I started to feel weighed down. I could tell that the news of the PET scan was alarming and discouraging to them and I started to feel that discouragement. Feelings of sadness, anxiety about the future, and doubt about my treatment options were taking over. I was starting to sink. 

After having a much needed nap Sunday afternoon (a big thank you to my neighbors for watching my kids!), and pondering more on the situation I started to ask myself some questions. “Why do I feel so sad when for the last couple of weeks I have felt hopeful, optimistic, filled with faith, and lots of peace? What has changed? Why don’t I feel hopeful and peaceful anymore?” After some more thought I concluded that I had lost my focus. I had lost my focus on Jesus Christ and the assurances and strength He was continually providing to me. Just like Peter started to sink when he removed his focus from the Savior and began to focus on the wind and the waves around him, so had I started to sink when I focused on the “wind and the waves” around me—the discouragement and sadness of others, and the bleak prognosis for a diagnosis of metastatic cancer. 

The following impression came to my mind: “What has changed here? The diagnosis has always been breast cancer, and most likely it has always been metastatic breast cancer. Only two things have changed, (1) you have more information. You are now more informed about the true nature of your cancer. And (2) the current chemotherapy treatment plan/schedule, which has provided you with some control and direction, is now being changed a little bit. That’s it. Nothing else has changed, especially the assurances, strength, and hope the Savior has been giving you. You have lost your focus on Jesus Christ who is, and has been, perfectly aware of all the details of your condition as well as the eventual outcome.”  In a nutshell, it was the Lord’s way of telling me, “Sam, why the doubts? The wind and the waves have always been really big and crazy, you are just more aware of them. Trust me. I will help you. I am here in the storm with you and am well aware of the danger and will lead you to safety.” 

After receiving these impressions I prayed to the Lord to forgive me for my lack of faith and loss of focus, and prayed to have the Savior make this new burden lighter. And He has. This last week I have again felt a lightness in my step and feel at peace. 

This experience has reminded me of some very important truths:

1. Our faith in Jesus Christ is not meant to be blind, naïve, or ignorant. We need to constantly be working on becoming “mature” in our faith in Jesus Christ.  Our faith matures only as we continue to believe and trust in the Savior while we confront the multiple challenges in our lives (I.e. poor health, death of loved ones, faith crisis, poor choices made by ourselves or others, missed opportunities, ect.). Little children are quick to believe, trust, and obey, but are naïve and ignorant about life’s realities. Faith, with real intent, is being quick to believe, trust, and obey Jesus Christ while simultaneously being forced to confront life’s realities and unfairness—as well as our emotions and feelings to those events—head-on. (See Hebrews 11:6, and Ether 12:6.)
2. Jesus Christ can, will, and desires to carry our burdens if we will let Him. We just need to pray and ask Him to do so. I admit that I have prayed to have this burden taken from me (never hurts to ask, right?), but don’t believe that is the Lord’s will for me at this time. However, He won’t leave me alone to carry this burden. He is willing to yoke Himself to me to make this burden easy to bear—unless I choose not to allow Him to do so. (See Matthew 11:28-30 and Mosiah 24:14-15, 21.)
3. There is power in prayer, especially in collective, united prayer. The following comment from a friend of mine explains how I feel, “I will be sending all my prayers your way. I used to think that people said that simply because it was the only thing they could do, but I know now the power of being carried by God's love and the faith and love of an army of people praying for you.” I don’t know how to explain that feeling of being “carried by God’s love” because of the prayers and faith of many. All I can say is that I know that the power of prayer is real. (See James 5:16, 1 John 5:14-15 and 2 Nephi 4:35.)

Ultimately, I hope the results from my recent liver biopsy come back negative for cancer. But, whether the results come back positive or negative, I am grateful for my “Peter” moment and the lessons the Lord was teaching me.

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From Sam on Tuesday, October 8th:

Hi Family! The recent update is that my pathology report from last Thursday shows that cancer has spread to areas around my liver and to some of the bones in my lower back, which mean it is now confirmed stage IV metastatic breast cancer. The next immediate course of action is to get a CT and bone scan to better measure the cancer that has spread around my liver and bones.

Chemotherapy is still being recommended, with the drugs taxol, herceptin, and perjeta as the standard care of treatment. I am looking into a clinical trial that would include the aforementioned drugs as well as an additional drug that is supposed to jumpstart the immune system. Whether or not I participate in the clinical trial, I will still likely receive the standard treatment.

My first treatment is now looking like it will happen on October 18th, depending on how quickly I am able to schedule the additional scans.

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Sam and Diana

Look at those beautiful girls!