"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
- Philippians 4:13
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Update on baby Diana's bum:
Diana has teeth! I put my finger in Diana's mouth this week and felt two bottom teeth poking through the skin. Thanks to the breast milk donations and her teeth breaking through, Diana's bum is much better now and we have our cute, happy baby back.
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The following are examples of some of the (many!) items our wonderful friends and family members have sent to support Sam. Thank you for your continued kindness.
"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God . . . and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven."
- Orson F. Whitney
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Douglas, Sam, Daniel
Thursday, October 10th:
I was scheduled to fly back to work today, but I couldn't do it. I didn't feel good about leaving Sam at such a difficult time. How grateful I am for understanding and supportive bosses and co-workers.
The Bishop of our "ward" (our church group) texted me today to ask if he could speak with me. I met him at our church building this evening where he told me that with all of the attention on Sam and her serious condition, he wanted to know how I was doing. I unloaded some of my fears and frustrations. I cried quite a bit.
Let me give you a bit of background information to help you understand my fears. I was days away from my 34th birthday when I married Sam. The road to the altar of marriage was long and hard for me, to put it mildly. Getting over the "culture shock" of being married was no less difficult. I booked a 10-day Asia cruise for our honeymoon which, because of said culture shock, turned out to be anything but a honeymoon. I hated it and I made things miserable for both of us. Upon our return to the States I told my mother that I wanted nothing to do with marriage. I wanted out. My wise mother printed an article about culture shock and lovingly told me to give it time. I should point out that none of my commitment or "culture shock" issues had anything to do with Sam. She has been a wonderful, faithful companion all along. I simply needed time to adjust to married life. Couples often go through a honeymoon phase for the first year or two of their marriage, and then reality sets in and they have to adjust to real life. I joke with Sam that we did things backwards. The honeymoon phase was absent from the first years of our marriage.
Children, at least in the beginning, did not help matters. After our first child (Douglas) was born I went through another lengthy period of adjustment. I so looked forward to going overseas to escape the pressures of marriage and family life. War zones were easy compared to life at home, and I never enjoyed being home for more than a few weeks at a time. Again, I cannot emphasize enough that my beautiful Sam was never at fault for any of my negative feelings.
Why do I mention this? Because we have been married for six years. It took me more than four of those years to be comfortable in my roles as husband and father. I am now excited each time I come home from a work trip. I love being a husband, and I enjoy spending time with my children (most of the time 😃).
And now this. Cancer. After all of my struggles to finally become a real husband and a real father (I'm far from perfect, mind you), I am faced with the possibility that my beloved Sam will no longer be with me six months from now?! One year from now? Five years, 10 years? But it was so hard for me to get to this point! We are supposed to grow old together.
I'm hoping for another 50 years.
When I turned 30 I felt as though I had turned 80. My knees started hurting. I began having back problems. My intestines stopped working properly. I started to go bald. I had skin cancer extracted twice. All in my 30th year of life. That was 10 years ago. I've often joked with Sam that she better enjoy her 20s, because when she turned 30 everything would go downhill. She turned 30 this year. I was joking! I meant that she might have some minor back problems from hauling children around, not a life-threatening disease.
I cannot be angry with the Lord. He has been too good to me throughout my life. Why is this happening to us? The "why" doesn't matter. It's happening. We are entering the refiner's fire. I hope and pray that I will be a better man when the fire subsides.
Bishop, thank you for reaching out, and for listening and providing valuable and comforting counsel.
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Monday, October 14th: When it rains, it pours.
Speaking of fire, baby Diana's entire rear end has been on fire for the last five days. We can't figure out what is causing the horrible rash. Teething? Formula? Something else? We're back to solely using breast milk to see if the formula is the culprit. We have tried the following creams/ointments/mixtures:
So far we have only seen success by applying one of the creams (doesn't matter which one) followed by a generous amount of corn starch to pad and dry things. Creams and ointments alone, even if they are mixed, are worthless on this rash. It would be inappropriate for me to post a photo of my baby's bottom. So, in order to illustrate the seriousness of this rash I offer you the below photo:
The baboon's face is a good example of how Diana has felt this past week.
To my knowledge, I do not suffer any negative effects from all of the years I spent in war zones, but I'm certain that I have baby-related PTSD. I wake up multiple times each night when I hear a baby crying. Sometimes it's actually Diana. Other times it's only in my head. Welcome to motherhood, Daniel. 👶
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Wednesday, October 16th
Sam had a CT scan on Monday and a bone scan on Tuesday. Sam's primary oncologist, Doctor Buys, called this evening to inform Sam that the CT scan shows a possible cancerous spot on Sam's left ovary, and the bone scan shows a possible cancerous spot in Sam's lower back, her left shoulder, and on one of the bones in Sam's rib cage.
Those results do not change the current chemo schedule, which begins on Friday.
Despite the recent results, Dr. Buys remains very optimistic that the treatment will be successful. While admitting that there is currently no cure for stage IV metastatic breast cancer, they now have chemo drugs that target Sam's specific type of breast cancer (HER2+). Also, last week we asked Dr. Buys if she knew anyone with Sam's type of cancer, who underwent treatment similar to the treatment Sam will receive, and if so, could we speak with that person. Dr. Buys provided Sam with the phone number of a woman who had stage IV metastatic breast cancer seven years ago. This woman's cancer had spread further than Sam's cancer, even into her liver. The woman is alive seven years later. She still receives one chemo treatment every three weeks, but she's alive!
Sam will initially receive chemo treatments every Friday for the next 12-18 weeks.
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Delta update: In my previous blog post I criticized Delta's lack of customer service for charging $200 per ticket for the family vacation we had to cancer due to Sam's cancer diagnosis. Well, I get to apologize now. My sister-in-law's mother works for Delta. She read my blog post and immediately made some phone calls. In summary, I was scammed! The "Delta representative" I spoke with in order to get the refund processed actually works for a fraudulent company. Today I spoke with a real Delta representative who informed me that because the $800 charge shows up as "FLIGHTOM Travel Agency" on my credit card, Delta cannot refund the $800 charge. Delta never charged me $800. She told me that Delta is constantly working on shutting these fake companies down. I provided all of the information I could on the incident and she filed a fraud report.
Moral of the story: If/when you call Delta, only use their 1-800-221-1212 number. I asked Siri to call Delta for me, but the number Siri gave me was linked to one of these fraudulent companies. Everything sounds official when you call, and the fake Delta representatives even know the right words to use and questions to ask. It sounds completely official! Also, be careful about Googling "Delta phone number," because these fake companies will often pay Google to put their numbers higher up in the search results. And if you receive an official Delta email, it must say Delta Air Lines (three words) in the email. The emails I exchanged with "Danny," the fake Delta rep, have "Delta Airline" written on them.
The funny thing is, I'm more upset about getting duped than I am about losing $800. I thought only old people fall for these tricks. 😀
By the way, Delta (the real Delta) did end up processing a refund for another work trip I was supposed to take this week. Thank you, Kristen and Don, for your help. That was a fascinating lesson learned.
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Thursday, October 17th: Baby update
Baby Diana's bum is doing much better. We continue the bum cream and corn starch combination, and we have received so many breast milk donations (and offers to donate more) that Diana will not have to use formula again. If she could talk, Diana would tell the donating mothers that you are some of her breast friends in the whole wide world!
Sam and our freezer half full of breast milk. Grandma and others are storing more milk for us in their freezers.
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Friday, October 18th
This is the view Sam refers to in the video, looking out over Salt Lake Valley.
Mobile drugs. Sam is allowed to walk around a bit while the chemo drugs flow into her body.
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Each week I'm going to try to post examples of the thoughtful things people are doing for us (in no particular order). Here is a note that was emailed out to our entire church group:
Dear Brothers and Sisters,
We hope that you have had a spiritually uplifting two weeks as we have participated in both stake and general conferences. We look forward to being with you again this Sunday.
As a reminder, this upcoming weekend is our fast weekend for October. An important part of our fasting is to remember and pray for those in our circle of loved ones who may be passing through trials. Along with others whom you may be remembering in your own or your family’s fast this weekend, we would invite you to join your prayers with ours in behalf of Sister Samantha Ogden—who will be starting an aggressive and extended series of chemotherapy treatments next week—and in behalf of her family.
We know from the scriptures that there is great power when a group of the Lord’s disciples unite their faith, prayers, and fasting, and we know that one of our ward’s hallmarks is the way that we care for one another. Please consider the elements that constitute a fast, which include going without food or drink for a time (over a 24-hour period, for those who are physically able), earnest prayer, contributing a fast offering, and attending (ideally on time…or even a few minutes early 😊 ) fast and testimony meeting.
We hope that the Ogden family—and all of the other members of our ward and neighborhood—will know of our sincere love and concern.
Gratefully,
The Ward Council
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Someone (or a group of someones) taped a large sign of support on our driveway this week. Thank you! Cool handwriting, by the way.
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Many of you have asked how you can help us in the coming months. Other than thoughts, prayers, and fasting, I have not been able to provide you with a good answer. I thought of something this week. For those of you who want to do something, but cannot cook meals, babysit, or do other things our nearby friends and family are doing, may I suggest gift cards? Although her appetite will probably change in the coming weeks, Sam currently likes the following food places:
For those of you who, for whatever reason, are only able to offer support through prayers, loving emails and texts, fasting, etc., please know this kind of support is equally beneficial to Sam.
Yesterday I got a call from my doctor with the results from my PET scan. Aside from my right breast and neighboring lymph nodes, it looks like there could possibly be cancer in my abdomen near my liver and in some of the bone in my lower back. I was scheduled to start chemotherapy on Friday, but because it looks like cancer may have spread to further parts of the body, I will need to do another biopsy first, thus postponing my chemotherapy treatment. My doctors need to confirm if what appears on the PET scan really is cancer. If the biopsy comes back as positive for cancer then I will have stage IV metastatic breast cancer. I will still do chemotherapy first, but some changes to my initial treatment plan will be made. Metastatic cancer is not “curable” and may never fully be eliminated from my body. The strategy then becomes how can we keep the cancer under control for as long as possible.
Again, thank you for all the continued love and support. Some good news in all of this is that as of Friday night Diana will now let me feed her with a bottle. I am so grateful for that miracle and the peace of mind I have knowing that Diana will be able to be fed properly. Also, a huge thank you to the two women who have donated their breast milk for me to give to Diana. I can’t thank them enough for their kindness.
Love,
Sam
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Thursday, October 3rd:
I took Sam to the University of Utah Hospital for her biopsy. I was allowed to stay in the room during the procedure and I was impressed with the team performing the biopsy. There were nine people in the room, not including Sam and me - two radiologists, two radiology technicians, a radiology intern, the nurse, and a three-person pathology team. One of the radiologists took two core samples of a 1/2-inch area of tissue near Sam's liver that they think might be cancerous. Sam had to stay awake during the procedure in order to hold breaths at the right time to move the liver away from the rib cage, thereby enabling the radiologist to see the potentially-cancerous area via the ultrasound without having the bone get in the way. She stuck two, very thin, six-inch needles into Sam's lower chest area to grab the samples.
The actual procedure lasted only 10 minutes, followed by a two-hour recovery period to ensure there was no internal bleeding before Sam was released from the hospital. Sam and I joked that many of our upcoming "dates" will take place in various hospital rooms on the one campus in the entire country that I, being the BYU fan that I am, do not care to visit.
Friday, October 4th:
Sam and the kids were supposed to fly out to visit me in Washington, D.C. today for a two-week vacation. Taylor and Kate (two of Sam's sisters) were going to accompany Sam. We purchased five Delta Airlines tickets and we had everything set to visit friends and enjoy all kinds of activities in the area. The east coast is gorgeous in the fall. The employees at the front desk at the hotel where I've been staying on and off for almost one year even told me that they would bump me up to the largest suite in the hotel (for free!) for the two weeks in order to make my guests more comfortable.
As John Lennon said in his song, Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy), "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
Silver lining: Delta Airlines, after receiving proof of Sam's condition, refunded all five plane tickets to our credit card. Perhaps I should call this one a "Bronze lining," because despite knowing about Sam's condition, Delta still chose to deduct the $200 change fee from each of the five tickets. Is that "customer service?"
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From Sam:
October 5, 2019 – My “Peter” Moment
Remember Peter walking on the water toward the Savior? (Matthew 14:24-32)
24 But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.
25 And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.
26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.
27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.
28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.
29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?
32 And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.
Last Saturday, September 28th, I got a call from my oncologist informing me that the PET scan I had the day before showed some concerning signs for metastatic breast cancer (stage IV), meaning the cancer has spread from the breast and neighboring lymph nodes to other parts of the body. The PET scan showed that a spot near my liver and a small spot near some bones in my lower back were possible places where the cancer has spread. When I initially received the news I was ok. Obviously, it was not what I was hoping to hear, but I wasn’t feeling weighed down by the news like I did when I first got my cancer diagnosis. However, after telling some family members that evening and the next day, I started to feel weighed down. I could tell that the news of the PET scan was alarming and discouraging to them and I started to feel that discouragement. Feelings of sadness, anxiety about the future, and doubt about my treatment options were taking over. I was starting to sink.
After having a much needed nap Sunday afternoon (a big thank you to my neighbors for watching my kids!), and pondering more on the situation I started to ask myself some questions. “Why do I feel so sad when for the last couple of weeks I have felt hopeful, optimistic, filled with faith, and lots of peace? What has changed? Why don’t I feel hopeful and peaceful anymore?” After some more thought I concluded that I had lost my focus. I had lost my focus on Jesus Christ and the assurances and strength He was continually providing to me. Just like Peter started to sink when he removed his focus from the Savior and began to focus on the wind and the waves around him, so had I started to sink when I focused on the “wind and the waves” around me—the discouragement and sadness of others, and the bleak prognosis for a diagnosis of metastatic cancer.
The following impression came to my mind: “What has changed here? The diagnosis has always been breast cancer, and most likely it has always been metastatic breast cancer. Only two things have changed, (1) you have more information. You are now more informed about the true nature of your cancer. And (2) the current chemotherapy treatment plan/schedule, which has provided you with some control and direction, is now being changed a little bit. That’s it. Nothing else has changed, especially the assurances, strength, and hope the Savior has been giving you. You have lost your focus on Jesus Christ who is, and has been, perfectly aware of all the details of your condition as well as the eventual outcome.” In a nutshell, it was the Lord’s way of telling me, “Sam, why the doubts? The wind and the waves have always been really big and crazy, you are just more aware of them. Trust me. I will help you. I am here in the storm with you and am well aware of the danger and will lead you to safety.”
After receiving these impressions I prayed to the Lord to forgive me for my lack of faith and loss of focus, and prayed to have the Savior make this new burden lighter. And He has. This last week I have again felt a lightness in my step and feel at peace.
This experience has reminded me of some very important truths:
Our faith in Jesus Christ is not meant to be blind, naïve, or ignorant. We need to constantly be working on becoming “mature” in our faith in Jesus Christ. Our faith matures only as we continue to believe and trust in the Savior while we confront the multiple challenges in our lives (I.e. poor health, death of loved ones, faith crisis, poor choices made by ourselves or others, missed opportunities, ect.). Little children are quick to believe, trust, and obey, but are naïve and ignorant about life’s realities. Faith, with real intent, is being quick to believe, trust, and obey Jesus Christ while simultaneously being forced to confront life’s realities and unfairness—as well as our emotions and feelings to those events—head-on. (See Hebrews 11:6, and Ether 12:6.)
Jesus Christ can, will, and desires to carry our burdens if we will let Him. We just need to pray and ask Him to do so. I admit that I have prayed to have this burden taken from me (never hurts to ask, right?), but don’t believe that is the Lord’s will for me at this time. However, He won’t leave me alone to carry this burden. He is willing to yoke Himself to me to make this burden easy to bear—unless I choose not to allow Him to do so. (See Matthew 11:28-30 and Mosiah 24:14-15, 21.)
There is power in prayer, especially in collective, united prayer. The following comment from a friend of mine explains how I feel, “I will be sending all my prayers your way. I used to think that people said that simply because it was the only thing they could do, but I know now the power of being carried by God's love and the faith and love of an army of people praying for you.” I don’t know how to explain that feeling of being “carried by God’s love” because of the prayers and faith of many. All I can say is that I know that the power of prayer is real. (See James 5:16, 1 John 5:14-15 and 2 Nephi 4:35.)
Ultimately, I hope the results from my recent liver biopsy come back negative for cancer. But, whether the results come back positive or negative, I am grateful for my “Peter” moment and the lessons the Lord was teaching me.
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From Sam on Tuesday, October 8th:
Hi Family! The recent update is that my pathology report from last Thursday shows that cancer has spread to areas around my liver and to some of the bones in my lower back, which mean it is now confirmed stage IV metastatic breast cancer. The next immediate course of action is to get a CT and bone scan to better measure the cancer that has spread around my liver and bones.
Chemotherapy is still being recommended, with the drugs taxol, herceptin, and perjeta as the standard care of treatment. I am looking into a clinical trial that would include the aforementioned drugs as well as an additional drug that is supposed to jumpstart the immune system. Whether or not I participate in the clinical trial, I will still likely receive the standard treatment.
My first treatment is now looking like it will happen on October 18th, depending on how quickly I am able to schedule the additional scans.
I went to the dermatologist the other day. I told Sam this will be me visiting the dermatologist 10 years from now.
Feeding baby Diana. I have been taking the night-feeding duties lately, since Diana no longer breastfeeds. I love my baby, but I will admit I enjoy feeding her more during the day than at night. Once again, my admiration for mothers has increased.
Penny wants to be a narwhal for Halloween. She tried on her costume this week.
A guitar-playing narwhal. Is she flashing a gang sign at me? :)
These videos make me smile.
Sam and Diana
Yesterday we went to Cinnamon Creek with Sam's family to see the salmon swimming up the creek.
Douglas, Kate, Clayton, Taylor, Penny
I'm told the salmon change to this red color while they spawn.
